Now What?

I’m moving through the phases of grief, and seem to be lodged between anxious and angry.  Fun!  I think the big-girl panties are creeping up a little higher, just not quite on the butt just yet.  My husband and I returned to the gym and our Team Training class last night, and I discovered that you can still be sad while sweating and gasping for air.

The new kitty had his vet visit here at home yesterday, and it’s agreed that docking his tail will be best for him.  We have no idea if he’ll ever be able to NOT wear diapers, and if he’s going to go that route for what could be another 10-20 years, the tail will be an issue.  Because of the odd break, I can’t get him as clean as he needs to be, and the area at the base of his spine seems painful.  Our vet still feels that he has not been hit by a car.  The tail trauma is assumed to be another issue, and the wobbliness is indeed Cerebellar Hypoplasia, most likely caused by an infection. Otherwise he is a healthy cat.  Still somewhat nervous in his new home, and is easily startled, but I imagine that over the coming weeks all that will settle down.

Noodle, my oldest cat, who is the most laid-back and accepting animal I’ve ever owned, is A-OK with Toby, even snuggled up with him on the couch last night.  Squid is s-l-o-w-l-e-y coming around as she realizes that Toby is here to stay.  Tiberius is not aggressive with Toby, but he want to play with the new kitty, and the new kitty says hell no.  I got clawed last night when Ti made a lunge at Noodle, who was all cuddled up with Toby, who took great offense.  I have claw marks on my arms, and a pretty good gash in my hair where he fell backward in fright. We quickly got him settled, and this morning, he allowed Ti to get very close to him.

The hubs (my amazing, wonderful man) has already decided to put down linoleum this weekend in ‘Toby’s Room’ so that he can forgo the diaper while his tail heals.  I’m looking for floor cleaner just for that area, so that I can clean poo and pee and the germs they leave behind.

I do feel overwhelmed right now.  I have fear that poor Toby will spend his life smelling of urine, and scared of everything.  I’m scared that I can’t do it.  I’m scared that my heart won’t ever mend.  I’m just…hurt and scared and hopeful and angry and everything all at once, and praying for some peace and healing.



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